I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
