So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
