I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
