The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
