Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
