if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
