Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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