My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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