I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
