I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
