you're like a bully in the Christmas story
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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