Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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