I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
