I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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