Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
