If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
