proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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