Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
