Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize