Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize