The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Send help, water and tortillas.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
