i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
