I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
