Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
