Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
