i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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