There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just want to make out with him forever
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
