i already hear my dad disowning me
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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