i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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