I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
