Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
