I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
