Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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