HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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