I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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