my phone needs a breathalizer
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
