38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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