I'm lost and stupid without you.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize