My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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