my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
