allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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