The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she looked like the before picture.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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