I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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