Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
