My sheets look like a crime scene.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
