i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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