hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
