you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
