"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
