Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
