oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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