Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
