I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The power of my boobs compel you
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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