First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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