just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
