Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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