hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Randomize
