In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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