mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
