I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
