i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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