if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize