who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
pray to the hookup gods
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
