How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
