Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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