Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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