Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My vagina just clenched in fear
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
