I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
