we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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